This makes me feel all funny inside...

you are to use this body you are to dance.

go learn from the masters the language of the body and find your dance.

you will create and recreate this dance many ways and many times and make it known and yours and illuminating and powerful and one with your vision and you will make it lightening and levity and lifting off into space above the building you build.

you are moving quickly and at the right pace and the building is nearly complete.

this is your inner building. the outer forms later, after the inner is complete and set on the trusting process of journey and every time you overcome a fear you build a wall a floor you install a high beam and this is a building of light – tensile, strong, impossible to “break” because the paradigm of destruction no longer applies to your life because you are beyond breaking now.

this building of light is your soul’s home, temple, playground, theater, church, mosque, office and only after it has become these things and do not despair, it can become them quickly and in a time-passage you might not expect, it is all up to your willingness to go where your fear sleeps, to wake it and ride it into itself where you will find a dear friend an ally a powerful being you need to call on access send out into the world as an ambassador – only then will the outer building of “income” and “profession” manifest for you.

did you know you are to let all your selves out to play?

no more trying to be one self.

this is the paradox of wholeness, of health.

this is what most of you cannot see, but many of you sense.

this the way to your holiness.

to manifest a myriad of selves, this is joy, this is the beauty and fun of life on this plane.

the power.

the exhilaration.

unpack your armor and let all your selves out to play.

and yes, the grounding is important.

you have a ground of Being on which you reside and stand firmly and connecting to this will keep you “sane” as you call it.

this has to do with levity and is another paradox to understand and unpack later.

come back to this.

it is important.

but for now, know that the world is waiting and needs all your selves.

and you will find they continue to come, one waiting behind every door in your deep Being and behind every door behind every door, and yes, as you suspect, they are infinite, these doors, and you do contain multitudes within multitudes and it is for you to learn how to access

release contain grow

nourish lead guide

and challenge them, give them pathways to self-mastery, and this is what is meant when I say that you all need to learn the art of mothering

the heart of mothering.

a spiritual mother, unconstrained by physical form, can give birth to a thousand thousand selves, beings, incarnations, such is her creative power and each of you has this within you.

and yet you decide on one for your whole life?

why commit this imprisonment of the soul?

why lose your light so easily?

these are the disenfranchised and as long as they lie unawakened in your own inner graves there will always be those deeply disenfranchised ones on the outside and the way to healing and wholeness is not to lock them up even more deeply but to let them out, give them ground for standing and it is for you to see that your way is illness this way you follow and worship like a god, this idea of being one self forever through time and space.

and yes, this is the madness you all fear.

go toward it. it is a beauty you cannot imagine and it will be your cure.

it looks like madness but only from where you are, it is not that serious or dis-astrous, it is simply the Divine playing.

the Divine Story unfolding in form, time and space.

this is your bliss.

your calling is deeply connected to it.

you know this.

this is the deep, deep forest – go in and dance.

(others will come.

they will not be able to stay away.

and this will be your “in-come.”)

Morning Walk

and i don't know where i am today except that i just took a long walk to Starbucks, by that i mean, down some alleys and danced a little and looked at some gnarly flowers (flowers are not smooth like in children's pictures. they're vinous and furry and gnarled.)and i passed store fronts and cars cars cars going going going. a store front with rugs. a store front with meditation paraphernalia and books and books and books on how to find peace. a store front with records. a store front with pink sandles and ruffled pink tops and flowy skirts. a store front with children looking smart and text that read, let your child amaze you. and there were samples of their tests laid out for all to see. and a store front with lizards and bunnies. looking. looking. looking. doing exactly what they would do in their natural habitat, but behind glass and the lizard opened it's mouth and displayed its nearly white tongue for me and smiling displayed its rows of saw teeth. and it's orange eye looked. and looked. and the hole in it's head that looked like it was covered with a dryer sheet to keep dust out was listening, i think. and the tiniest and biggest spikes all over were malleable and it's throat would puff. and i fucking screamed. i stared at that thing and said, it's an alien. it's an alien! and it's doing stuff to me through the glass. it's playing with my mind through the glass!! and i flew back onto the sidewalk holding my head "aaahhhh! arrrrrrr. ooowww!" and some people laughed and some people tried to help me calm down. and some people turned their heads and walked on. then i walked across the street to where moms where making plans and yuppies half-basked and half-squinted their faces wrinkling up against their mortality. and the sun blazed and tunnel vision went my eyes to two children. the girl was on the bench getting wierded out and joyfully so at her brother who was leaning over the back of the bench lyaayying at her and leaning over her and then lar lar lar yar ylraring at her again and i could only imagine that his eyes were doing something totally crazy too at her as she leaned away from him saying, "eeeeeeee. aaayyyy ll" and the people that were my size were doing robotic squinting brain things about what the day would be like if we did this or if we did that and what do we have to do, let's figure that out first. but i stared at the kids. i stared at them. i stopped in my tracks loosely pinching my two floppy dollars. i was outside of the starbucks store. i did not go into the starbucks store but i stared at them. and i stared. and i stared as they lollygargled on the bench and the birds sang and the grown-ups made plans. and then i took a deep quick split second breath and then with the force of a fire truck let out a roar at those kids, my eyes lit up like a dragon's. they screamed and jumped clear from the bench and and started running the opposite direction. i took one leap toward the bench, one leap on top of the bench where a mom sat hard in her sunglasses next to her buggy and one leap over the bench as she said "hey!" and i, despite the calls and confused cries of the big people that their children had disappeared and a stranger, was running after them, i ran.


the threshold to the alley shook, and i was there alone. in the alley. my hands and feet were smaller and less vinous; my eyes fell on a different part of the buildings. the big people who had been chasing me and had shaken through the threshold themselves were small too. their clothes baggy on them. the girls had dropped their large heavy purses and blinked at them. blinked at me. we stood there blinking at each other.


one boy began to huff and puff and huff and puff and huff and puff and huff and puff and we looked at him and he huffed and puffed and squealed and squealed and flew into a rage squealing and screaming: "yeah! YEAH!!. YEAH!! YEAHH! YEAHHHHHHH Y! Y! Y! YEAHHHHHHHHH." He stumbled and tripped out of his baggy clothes; big boxers dropped and he threw the tangle off of him and started pounding and beating on garage doors and running (yyyeeeahhhh!!!! . yeah yeah! YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! YEah!~ YeahYyyyyyYYY YY Y Y YY YY aaaaAAAAHHHH!!!!) and jumping up against garage doors all up and down the alley. jump pound beat. jump jump. jump pound. jump pound and powerfully clumsy beating.


We burst into laughter, some of us. some of us followed right away. some of us tried to follow but were laughing so hard we couldn't. goofy enveloped us. and we were tumbled and tossed screaming naked down the alley lyyllaarlyall yall yall-ing and jumping against garages and each other.


a big person came into view to call us onward to call us to task to call us into separate vans to click our belts and go go go to the stores and get get get things.


she had no air when she saw us. "what" is the only utterance she could utter at the tribal scene. Then she came to and started screaming with equal emphasis on the beginning of each word. what are you doing. and then a very fast get over here and then a deep and resounding now.


the boy and i had the same instinct, we sprinted toward her naked as the day we were born as she was born as all was first and then cut a hard right down the side walk sprinting as if our legs were twice as long and the big shouts followed. terrifying big shouts booming get back here.


with a one two three step something different was happening. i look down and my little feet were only skimming the ground and the boys little feet were all the way off the ground and we tilted and were tossed in to flight headlong into the wind like fish of the air. dodging bicyclists dogs big people like fish of the air. the big shouts stop. there are only shrill barks of dogs. then there is nothing but wind whipping past as we dive through the the air the wind hitting the top of my head and flapping down my hair. the wind rippling along my back and shooting off my feet and hands. we slip through.


i close my eyes gently and let the soaring wind-song envelop me and let it carry me.


the top of my head is smacked with pain darts and i am cold and fresh flopping around in the wet place. all is wet. swoo swoo spwoom zwoom zzooom! shlap! shlap shlap! three follow us. we pant. sniffle. bobbing in the waves, the light wind and seagulls in a sonic dance. and there is giggling and splashing and the light wind and seagulls in a sonic dance.


there's a hint of a wonder breezing in my mind about where i am exactly. and how i got here. it waxes and wanes and we splash we splash. we play and we float. the sky is definitely bright blue. and one cloud floats in reflection. we float. we float. we float.

Conflict

I have been going on and on to those immediately around me about my fixation on the voices in my head. I aim to stop talking about it soon, because it is really dear and maybe I just need to let it sit in me before wearing it out. However, there is an important point that I want to sit with and that I invite you to sit with. First off, if I haven't talked your ear off about the voices, what I mean when I say "the voices in my head", I am referring to all inner dialogue - the voice narration, the voice that articulates ideas and thoughts, the voice of self-reflection, the voice of doubt and insecurity, the voice that analyzes the other voices, etc. All of it. Even the voice that I am allowing to come through me in typing this post. I have been getting to a point of trying to detach from identifying with these voices. Not that I see them all as malicious, or egoistic, or helpful, or anything. It's just that since they pop up uninvited with fully formed ideas and beliefs of their own, it doesn't seem like they necessarily have my best interest in mind and so far, believing they are me or that their thoughts are mine has frequently led to conflict. This is the point I'm trying to get to. According to a voice that seems reasonable and that upon reflection I choose to agree with, all human conflict appears to be the result of taking what one or more inner voices tell us and identifying with it. The conflict is that other people are doing the same thing. We seem to be complicit in acting as vehicles for the opinions and ideas of something outside of us to the extent that we will defend them in the face of opposition. That's it! That's all conflict breaks down to! To me it seems as though we are cars in a demolition derby and that we've let unknown drivers take control of us, ramming us into each other and creating all sorts of misery. I may have said too much already, so I'll stop here, but I invite you to listen to your own inner voices and see how they respond to all this, consciously observing that "Jeremy" did not necessarily come up with all this and that "you" are not necessarily the one articulating the response.