Monday, February 15, 2010

Log 5.0

I am coming up on the four month mark. I just got my tax return two days ago, so February's bills and rent should be taken care of and most of March's, though I'm going to Austin for South by Southwest and I'm not sure exactly how all of that will be financed. There is a potential catering gig in April that will pay maybe $1000 for a week of making kosher dinners, but it isn't for sure. My mom called me the other day and asked if I needed her to send me money and it was nice to be able to say that I was fine. I'm still hoping that something sustainable will show up. I was to be going on tour in Europe in April and it was even going to be a paying gig, but that got bumped to next January and I am not even sure if I'll be invited to that one. I am not having a hard time coming up with things to do or projects to work on, but they continue to be unpaid and for now I guess I have to be okay with that. Thus far, it's been a priority to make myself available (creatively, personally, emotionally, etc.), but yesterday and the the day before I hit a snag with "what about my projects - what about working on my thing and making that a priority". It's funny, because I don't have a "thing" right now that is tugging me, I was just having to deal with the egoic aspects of doing work for other people or at least following their lead, even though a lot of it has given me tremendous creative freedom. The funny thing is that I was not even experiencing difficulty with it, I was anticipating future stress and conflict. Simultaneously, I see that perhaps my greatest gift is the capacity to be with other people and to help facilitate their creativity and blossoming. I don't see it as being a sideman (which is very hard for my ego to handle), but as being an active participant in something going deeper than the immediate project. There is tremendous power and energy in this and at some level I may need to acknowledge that this is the gift given me and the gift I have to give. Regardless of whether or not that is my life's project, I am okay with doing it now and I don't have to worry about how it will come into play later until later is now. Concurrently, amazing synchronicities have been abounding. Of course.