eternal issues ... blather blather

just watched treme, the new hbo show about new orleans after katrina, and it served to bring up once again, my personal issues with sense of community absence, and that the "general culture" I exist in is rather vapid and superficial. I have wrestled with this issue for a long time, and I'm not sure exactly how to accommodate it. Oftentimes I choose to ignore it, because it tends to fall, among many other things, into the category of "can't do shit about it, so don't stress" which i am successful at for the most part.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I feel as though I'm surrounded by a society that has its values out of whack, and because of this, the cultural vibrancy is practically null. I watch this presumably realistic depiction of a small New Orleans community, people who have, in essence, been left with very little, yet they have these traditions of placing value on thing I also value: good food, good music, and especially, camaraderie, which inevitably involves the previous two items.

And I can't help but feel like this is what so many of the "american romantic" novelists, beat poets, and those influenced by them, might be touching on when they talk about the american loneliness. We are without deep roots, and feel forced to constantly move, change, build, grow, progress. Obviously New Orleans is one of the few gems in our country that was able to cultivate such roots and use them to maintain such powerful connections.

But then I think about the fact that I'm not necessarily a traditionalist, and I don't necessarily like things to stay the same, so maybe I'm finding myself in a bit of a paradox. Maybe its essential to have roots and traditions in order for people to feel that level of deep connection. Then again, there also exists a deep sense of community in groups that feel outside the fold, or who are going against the grain.

I guess I'm not really able to articulate fully what I am blathering about (case in point!) Sometimes I think things like facebook and twitter are bringing people closer, but more often, I feel like its just the opposite. And I can't see myself jumping off the wagon, because then I'm in the dust, all alone. I just feel like we live rather hollow lives as a culture, and its only getting hollower. And I don't know what to do about it, or if I should even try. Or care. Perhaps zen is the truest answer, to "turn off the mind, relax, and float down stream" as lennon says via the tibetan book of the dead. but then i would need to live in the woods. ah whatever, there's no conclusion to be reached. only the abyss of the now : : : : : :

working the wonder-muscle.

blogging about blogging. I am a journaler and an letter-writer and thus used to writing my observations for an audience of zero or one. But blogs are intended for a bigger audience; I'm at a loss as to what would be of value under these conditions, but Jamison and Jeremy have encouraged my participation so I thought I'd give it a try. And here it is, the beginning of saying something. See, if I were writing in my journal I'd say: hm, don't know what to write. the green velvet chaise lounge in the corner beckons but too tired to move from this bed. Mr. Jimmy, Jeremy and Dave are on the porch going on and on. pyramids float. a crate of books. my ginger tea. my thermometer. what a strange little music town. what a strange long adventure. Friends are the thing." And I'd go on like that without worrying that no one knew what any of it meant and without having to introduce the "characters".

Blogging about questions about blogging.

To say something lots of people might care about, I'll piggy back on Jeremy's post about the woods and the complexities therein. We were on the same "trip" trip trip. what. something gets going in the brain that makes you fall in love with a stick. This is why hippies are so peaceful. This is what's behind the thought "everyone should do this". Logically, if you could allow the eyes to swim along the intricate patterns of the stick and behold its wild colors (there really are purple sticks), you have a more difficult time dropping the thing much less being the force behind ending the movement of an autonomous creature. Were we all to ingest this magic potion that makes us want to explore, forever deeper, the intricacies in nature and those in one another's faces and bodies, the desire for deeper experiential knowledge might overcome the desire to inflict pain or even negligence on one another and even on ourselves. peace. voila. right?

Short of such idealistic goals for all the people on the planet, I'll mention that I had a profound time swimming with the patterns of moss trees sticks plants muscles bones movement grass ...and also getting to observe this Jeremy (who I call "yemmy" in many of my journal entries, courtesy of a few friends who helped birth this nickname, which alas, he hates, and which i won't use in this blog entry because it's only intended to show it's face in my journal:)) and getting to know him better. It's quite a simple thing really, love. But that's another post.

Goodnight.

the trees

This is going to be a little bit understated and simplified, but these realizations occurred to me whilst under the influence of psychedelic mushrooms, so there is really no other way. In my experience, nature is often considered to be simple, uncomplicated, direct and so on. Cities, on the other hand, are considered chaotic, busy, complex and the like. While these observations have truth in them, on the whole, I think they are backwards. Nature has millions and billions of complex, intricate, and beautiful ways of expressing itself, while in any given city (in America, at least) is nothing but a few reworkings of straight roads, straight lines, straight buildings, commercial and residential zoning, square parks with grid-based plant life trimmed and pruned. All of our systems have to be dumbed down and diluted so we can wrap our heads around them, but in any forest in the world, the planning and systems are only limited by what could possibly function, leaving a myriad of possibilities that are all explored and them some. If it doesn't work to build somewhere in the forest, then the plant or animal dies and they try again in a way that nourishes the existent and future plant life. Here we have to invest thousands and millions to build and if the business doesn't work, it could mean years of debt and material waste. Our systems just aren't advanced enough yet, I guess.

Log 5.0

I am coming up on the four month mark. I just got my tax return two days ago, so February's bills and rent should be taken care of and most of March's, though I'm going to Austin for South by Southwest and I'm not sure exactly how all of that will be financed. There is a potential catering gig in April that will pay maybe $1000 for a week of making kosher dinners, but it isn't for sure. My mom called me the other day and asked if I needed her to send me money and it was nice to be able to say that I was fine. I'm still hoping that something sustainable will show up. I was to be going on tour in Europe in April and it was even going to be a paying gig, but that got bumped to next January and I am not even sure if I'll be invited to that one. I am not having a hard time coming up with things to do or projects to work on, but they continue to be unpaid and for now I guess I have to be okay with that. Thus far, it's been a priority to make myself available (creatively, personally, emotionally, etc.), but yesterday and the the day before I hit a snag with "what about my projects - what about working on my thing and making that a priority". It's funny, because I don't have a "thing" right now that is tugging me, I was just having to deal with the egoic aspects of doing work for other people or at least following their lead, even though a lot of it has given me tremendous creative freedom. The funny thing is that I was not even experiencing difficulty with it, I was anticipating future stress and conflict. Simultaneously, I see that perhaps my greatest gift is the capacity to be with other people and to help facilitate their creativity and blossoming. I don't see it as being a sideman (which is very hard for my ego to handle), but as being an active participant in something going deeper than the immediate project. There is tremendous power and energy in this and at some level I may need to acknowledge that this is the gift given me and the gift I have to give. Regardless of whether or not that is my life's project, I am okay with doing it now and I don't have to worry about how it will come into play later until later is now. Concurrently, amazing synchronicities have been abounding. Of course.

Free University

Amazing amazing things are afoot. I don't know exactly how to explain the Free University, especially because it is still in its infancy, but I can say that last Monday night, 13 total bad asses convened in my apartment to discuss how we could begin a program of education for each other, from each other. We had people who's chosen passions and specialties ranged from found object sculpture, to Chinese philosophy, to capoeira, and on and on. Everyone had something that everyone else wanted to explore with them. So we ate amazing vegetarian food (potluck style) and just went around the room discussing how we thought a program could work and what we all thought we could contribute. The group is continually growing and the program is evolving and evolving. The seed was actually planted last fall and is now starting to really come up from the ground. This week, I led a Harmonic Experience group that essentially consisted of me cultivating my morning routine and inviting others to join in - Tuesday it was just me, Wednesday Meg came by, Thursday Molly came by, and Friday had Meg, Molly, Leslie, and Aaron. It doesn't matter that you don't know who they are, but it is of note that Aaron has a master's in classical piano performance and specializes in advanced tuning systems including microtonal composition and alternate equal tempered tunings. Fucking AWESOME! Where this is all going is still in the air, but there is a lot of momentum, a lot of heart and love and a growing number of brilliant people wanting to get involved. We have a chalkboard wall in my living room, and the picture is of the wall after the notes from the meeting. Additionally, my roomies and I are going to be hosting a weekly underground coffee shop in our apartment and I'm scheduling for a lecture series that will convene at each of the coffee shop sessions. If any of you are in town on a Tuesday, we'd love to have you speak!

PS - we're looking to get a website and it appears as if we may go with fuchicago.org. Ha ha ha!

stained radiance

something i've wanted to explore for a long time. beautiful concept. art of impermanence at its best.

http://vimeo.com/8720234

cruisin' for a brusin'

Upon hearing news of Haiti's earthquake, and literally feeling the waves from its after shock on a cruise boat I've been playing on, I got to thinking deeply about socioeconomic issues on a global scale, and how I fit into that arena personally. The situation in Haiti is obviously devastating, and of course,all of the major media channels are running what appears to be a 24 hour spiel on every detail of its aftermath. Of course, it is important to be aware, but I can't help but feel of course, that as one might expect, American media is again, just trying to make a buck. And I also think about all of the people on this cruise ship: tourists wearing floral t shirts, drinking cheap beer and listening to cheesy blues music they can "shake their thing" to, trying desperately to leave their cares behind. They are the ones who upon arrival at various caribbean ports, proceed to engulf themselves with a practically "disney-fied" version of some faint idea of what the caribbean actually is. All the while, there is a truly third world culture literally blocks away, that no one cares to see. I wish that I could articulate all of the things that go through my head when I confront these issues . For instance, I feel like the slightly intense waves that our cruise boat felt analogously represent how outsiders, particularly Americans, are affected by Haiti's disaster. They watch the news for a while, truly feel sad, and wish they could do something, but eventually forget about it, because ultimately its depressing and their world around them has to take over. There is no one to blame for this... it is a cultural norm that has established itself over decades, perhaps centuries of social evolution. But this kind of cultural disparity can be looked at on an even deeper level, in which we see such intense alienation between third and first world cultures: again, the example of cruise ship ports and the vicinity of sub cultures that exist within them. And to further my angst about all of this, I am a white male from a privileged culture, wanting desperately to respect, and ultimately connect, with another culture so far removed from his "likeness." I wish people could look past my exterior and see that I actually care about them, that I don't judge them or think less of them because they are dark, or poor, or desperate. And believe me, people do. You can't tell me that a lot of first world cultures (again, America seems to come to mind) have a population of people who feel in some way superior to other individuals because their culture is more "civilized" or "wealthy". What they don't realize is that none of these people really have much to do with any of that. So much of how these cultures evolve is based on a web of complexities, including human behavior.... ultimately that one of the human's species major weaknesses: the idea that power and money (which can be perceived as the same thing) are of upmost importance, and are worth so much as to sacrifice the quality of life for millions of people. It is indeed self-preservation taken to the next level: self-aggrandizement and thus: selfishness in its truest sense. Anyway, the point of the matter is: I feel angst. And the problem is, I understand why it is happening, and I also understand that the angst really isn't necessary, and that ultimately I can't do anything about it. But I also realize that I am in a unique position, with potentially unique feelings and experiences in this regard, and that maybe my thoughts and feelings on the matter could actually be of some value to others. All I know is that these thought are with me constantly. Thankfully I I have learned over the past few years to come to terms with a lot of them, and realize that my happiness cannot be at their mercy. But, again. I wonder if I can offer up my perspective and open someone's mind, even just a little. Why does it matter you may ask. And I would say, I don't know. Because, when you break anything down long enough you find yourself in a nihilistic state of depression, and lets face it, that is no way to live. So instead, I am planning to explore these issues further, for whatever good they may reap. It is something I feel strongly about, and have had enough experiences with to feel confident in expressing my ideas. We shall see where it takes me. At the very least, I will grow as an individual, and connect more deeply to the world around me. Isn't that what we are all looking for anyway? Thanks for listening.