Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Eject button

I've come to realize, or at least think, that I'm not addicted to nicotine. I never thought I was, yet I've been a fairly consistent smoker for... five years now? How long ago was that first mushroom trip again? Anyway, it is my currently held belief that in smoking I'm not succumbing to the will of addiction so much as I'm expressing 6 or 7 minutes of conscious self-destruction. That's what's hard to give up. The need for self-destruction apparently hits a few times every day in my life.

This morning, however, I woke up thankful. I'm alive, Jesus! I'm alive! Thank you thank you!! It's day two of not smoking and today I've found this sense of being thankful for this one day very helpful. Yesterday I just happened to be distracted enough that there wasn't time to worry about destructing, but today, I needed to overcome it with some mother fuckin' spirit! It's hard to be sincerely thankful while trying to snuff out what you're thankful for. It is, of course, too early to say that this perspective will be lasting or helpful in my occasional quest to quit the ole 'rettes, but we'll see...

2 comments:

Jamison said...

i will be sending positive energy your way! I understand what you mean about self-destruction - its a strange dilemma. I contend with that sometimes in the wee hours - when I'm searching for the unreachable mystery only to find absolute meaninglessness. But then I wake up and remember that we're responsible for our own meaning. Anyway, good luck brethren!

jcox3000 said...

Okay, so over the past few days, I've come to a negotiation between gratitude for life and self-destruction... weird!