Wednesday, September 23, 2009

drunken spewing

found this recording from months ago - thought id put it in writing. ah, memories :)

i sit here and i listen to the shit ive been recording and i think what the fuck its all going out of my mouth and out my guitar and into the abyss of nothingness what does it mean it needs to have some sort of significance or something thats my fucking plague its my plight is that i feel like i need to fucking use all my fucking potential have some sort of significance i have to fucking make my mark i have to be something special but really thats not at all important whats important is finding meaning and joy the irony is that the things that i find meaning and joy in are probably that things that would actually push me to the things that i want out of my life but the problem is that i know that thats the case and therefore cant actually allow myself to endeavor into those things i mean am i supposed to be a songwriter it seems like that could have been something that i could have pursued still can pursue but the fact that im aware of that the fact that i know that the fact that im thinking about that putting pressure on myself and creating expectations for the future is actually pulling me down so its like this evil cycle of you know wondering if i could make something of myself in such a regard but its impossible for me to do so because im aware of the fact that i have potential in this way if i was completely unaware and ignorant of this fact just allowed myself to pursue it out of pure joy out of pure search for meaning then maybe so maybe i could actually fucking do something with it but the fact that im aware of that the fact that im obsessed with this whole idea of utilizing my potential in some way in order to make some sort of significant mark to try and find meaning in my life to try and do something with my self find my purpose is actually counter-intuitive or not really counter-intuitive but rather just destructive and so maybe thats the reason im imbibing in substances cause maybe thats the reason im trying to escape is it calming the demons like with kerouac or is it is it a tool i dont know i mean i feel like at this at this juncture of my life i feel like im at this turning point you know im watching all these fucking videos late at night you know just fucking pouring all these inspirations into my brain you know hunter s thompson jack kerouac tom waits these fucking people these heroes these idols rather im worshipping idols i sit here and i drink my beer and i worship these idols and what happens is i watch these people and i let their influence come through me as opposed to just letting it happen naturally i think oh i need to i need to find the person that i have that i can be that these people have these people who are really fucking self destructive and crazy i mean maybe with the exception of tom waits although he was on a self-destructive path for many years until he met his wife and she changed everything but what the fuck do i have to self destruct do i have to be fucking nuts in order to to find that would i choose that would i rather be crazy and and tap into that genius tap into that that insane genius that those people have done or would rather be a socially normal person i mean its hard to say i cant fucking decide just right now im self conscious of myself talking on this fucking tape recorder im aware of the fact that ive been influenced by hunter s thompson in the past thirty or forty minutes its that yeah is that whats speaking through me or this my true self i mean its hard to know were not really truly ourselves anyway were just a fucking amalgam of everything thats come before us and the things that weve chosen in the past and i just have to fucking find have to find peace have to find meaning in things and be completely unaware of it i need to be completely unaware of the meaningfulness i can provide i have to realize that everything i do is completely pointless and then maybe ill be totally free and and stop thinking that i have potential stop thinking that my intelligence and my talent my skill and my capabilities are worth a shit because yeah i mean i do feel like theres something there to be had but my awareness of that is quite possibly my i dont know its my its the bane of existence

1 comment:

jcox3000 said...

I'm with you, my man. Anything you do only really matters as far as it matters to you. But IT MATTERS TO YOU. Don't think about your idols. They didn't/don't realize their influence just as you don't realize how many people you have been and continue to be a hero and an inspiration to. Here's the thing. Discipline and rigor are not just a means to getting "good" or accomplishment. In fact, that is a bunch of bullshit that shouldn't enter into our minds. For us, discipline must be an expression of the commitment we CHOOSE to make with something we love and CHOOSE to nurture. Decide what you love. Decide how best to nurture it. Forget the rest until you've got that down. Deal?