Log #4

So full of hope! It's funny how very little has changed since the anxiety of my last log, but for some reason, I don't feel the weight of it any more. At least not how I was. I now see that I'm going to be able to make rent this month and if I can get my tax return in a timely fashion, I should be able to make rent in February as well. After that, who knows. I've been contacted by two families to teach their 4-6 year-olds piano lessons and I'm psyched about creating and exploring an experimental curriculum that would emphasize the playing and improvisation (something my childhood piano lessons completely lacked). Additionally, Meg hired me to transcribe 5 of her tunes and put them into Finale, I'm going to help my roommate DJ another junior high dance this week, and may help cook some more kosher food this weekend. Who knows. I've been thinking about the idea of living in relationship vs. trying to maintain the illusion of independence. Part of me thinks that if I can give up thinking of myself as My and Self and really see and feel myself in the context of the rest of the world, then the process of finding my place will be a lot easier. Honestly, most of the time, I get the impression that it is always easy, the only difficulty is dealing with the fear and projection of insecurity. NOTHING IS SECURE! NOTHING IS SUBJECT TO STASIS! The sense of security that I'm looking for is really just an attempt at an opaque illusion wherein the future happens just like I want it to because I will have enough money to overcome adversity. Fucking ridiculous, really. There is no amount of money that voids you from the curveballs life throws at you - death, difficulties in relationships, self doubt and feelings of being alone in the world, etc. I had a really good talk with Forrest last night. He's probably put himself out on a limb as much as anyone I know and he told me he's still out there, but that everything has always worked out and he seems to have trust that it will continue to do so. In some ways I think it has been a little frustrating for him - I don't think he is presently out on a limb that he intended - but it was absolutely inspiring for me and encouraging to share stories and commune with him. Yee-ah!