Wednesday, June 24, 2009

In th e mi ddl e of t he des e rt

It's hard to say. No, I don't know. Really, it has more to do with... well, I guess it is true that it has been, hmm... three? Four months? No, wait. Six months?! Jesus Christ. Well, no wonder I have been so on edge. Sort of reminds me of when they stick the poor sucker in the phone booth with all the cash flying around. If only there was one bill, he'd nail it, but with the possibility of so much -- it's impossible. Like Papa always says, "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". Yeah, right? In England they refer to women as birds. At least in the pictures they do. I never understood the sexual undertones of that bit o' wisdom. I still don't.

You can't really miss it, though. It's as big as a house - that same brick wall that you keep banging your head against. Gall darn it. God damn it!! Feels like the first time, but really, it's about the five thousand, four hundred, and sixty-first time. Feels like the first time, though. Awkward. Wawkward. Awawakward. For some reason, a killer whale comes to mind. Can't say why, though. Well, I guess I could, but I really don't want to.

Wish against wish. Mine against yours. You show me yours and... It wasn't what you thought it was. I was really there - I mean THERE. All there. Lucid as a goose-id. Or a goose-Id. They say three's company, but really I could go for some company. These three make me feel lonely as hell. I'm still going home to the same twin bed. I guess it's for the better since it isn't very big. Quite conducive to neck cramps, etc. Backache... When you're filled with the spirit, though, it isn't such a big deal. Filled with the spirits. Either way.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I have summarily refused to toe or tow the line. I don't like lines or queues, although I do like to say "queue". They'll tell you how wonderful you are and how much they love you over the tele. There's no getting at them over the tele, though, if you know what I mean. One will call to wish you a good morining, one at midday and then another before bed. "I'm tired now, good night!" Good night and good luck. At two hours behind the meridian, "good night" becomes long lonely evening. It's enough to drive a drunk to drink. Or a skunk to stink. In my case both. (Going on week three with the lovely pink top.)

But after all the "well then's" and "heretofor's" it is still time to decide. You are old enough to know what you want and young enough to f-f-f-f-fucking do it! It's a beautiful thing if you're into that sort of thing. What's to become of the kingdom? Fife? On point. Get to the. end. Not yet! It is not a second to early and somehow still seems too late. But it isn't - not yet.

I once did try. I drank and drank. Droplet at a time. Sept 15, 2003. A day to live in infamy! The first day of the rest of my life. I will do something that is worth remembering! Even if all I do is remembering! Backward forward backward forward. Backward. Forward. There's no telling why it happens that way. There's no telling if it happens that way. There's no telling what will happen that way. It may happen. that way. It may. something happened.

It's beautiful, really. Sassafras on a starlit night. Of course the goddam lights block the stars, but there are people who will vouch for their existence. I'm willing to take most people's word for it. My moon is in Capricorn. My Aries is in Saggitarious. Saggytarrymous. Supposedly a match made in heaven - high time to reavaluate what I think about heaven. Though there are plenty of Saggies in the sea. In fact, I know most of them and they are very good people. I wouldn't want to be intimate with as many as I have, but a learning experience none the less... Okay, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat, who am I kidding. Sweet sweet imbalance of lifE! Sweet mysterious craziness! Zany zany half-a-brainy! Always falling forward and aft! Crazy bastards that we are, think we can handle crazy bitches! It's all for a lark. A stark raving lark. Wouldn't have it any other wayyyyyyy!

There really isn't any other way. Just up up up. Up UP UP!!! What could possilbly fillbly mybly tumbly? Another dagger through the throat? Another attempt at subverting my own fifth chakra? Ultimately, I will subvert itself. Myself. Herself. Her shelf. All the knick knacks. All the weight in those pieces of trash (shit). All the depth in the two dimensions on the wall. "Throw them out or throw me out!!" She said she threw them out, but I have my suspicions. They weren't half bad.

I'm just glad I got my shirt back. Its companion is gone forever, but at least we are back together. Bay to Breakers. You and me, pinky. I'll go to high heaven before I let another woman come between us. Granted, you must be greatful for your adventures. I know I am. But let us not forget each other and let us chance not a permanent separation. When St. Paul is ready for one of us we shall depart, but not until. I hate everyone named Paul. So does mister Brainerd (in this situation, I must speak on his behalf, whether the point is valid or no). It sounds like this. EEEdeiei OiJOIje AgRHISHV dgjsj vsw4^%W% tvoit StatsiU S jgDGd if;oifgf;hoai aASia gi;io dsfjGg fgjlgj zdfdf gSD do is gsdog 'gSGigsggi 1!!!! i hosi g;iw @u09r1~ tpo 90 ew9tq q9gu v!! ei driog s - you know, like a solo saxophone piece by Vandermark. One of the grittier ones. He must hate Pauls, too. I feel it. I'm intuitive, you know.

But what about now? That was then, this is now! Vodka and wine for a real good time, if you want advice, just follow a rhyme; it doesn't matter if it's right, it only matters if it's tight; so drink it up until you're spent, and borrow more from the government! Harrah! Hooray!

Sometimes I cannot help but wonder if it is all for naught. Then I cannot help but wonder if they are all terribly bad choices. then I canno thelp but won deri fit doe sent mttr bec aus e it wi llll alll lll happ ppp en the same whey regardels.s. Now I wander if it shouldn'tt have been this waf from the gat go. Of course, it would all sound more eloquent in French, no doubt.

Oh, girl! I'd be in trouble if you left me now! I don't know somethin something something. I just don't know how!! Ooooh, Girl!

Ultimately it falls into someone's hands. We could all say yay or nay. Just not to the questions we want. Oh, sagittarians. Oh. I will be stuck with you mother fuckers forever. You imbalanced fucks. You daughters of bitches. I will never escape your evil fucking wrath, gad damn you! AHHHHAHAHAHAAAHHHH!! Okay, so to be honest, I really like you guys. Nay, I love you. LOVE! You think I say that shit to anyone?!?! Jesus! I will be dumped on forever. I fucking love it, okay, but I must say it can get a bit tiresome. DUMP ON ME YOU SAGITTARIAN FUCKS!! I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!

What's left is what's always been left. The left. The right. The wrong. The middle. The Little Debbie Snack Cake. Caffeine free for you Seventh Day Adventists! Full of a bunch of fucking chemicals that make the chocolate less present! Not that I mean to go on a tangent. This is straight line stuff. To the point. Let's get to the -

Happiness is. I could spill out my lungs for it, but it wouldn't do a lick of good. If you close your mouth, it comes through the nose and when it comes through the nose, it stings, so you may as well just squeeze your mummy's hand and let it happen. I know, I know, I've seen it all before. You just want it to be over with, but let me tell YOU - this is the best part. Every orifice will be oozing presence. Anything could trigger it, Lauryn Hill, Gene Kelly, Brad Mehldau, a bleeding heart, a sunrise, the sudden realization that you are about to make vegan enchiladas for your father and step-mother... just go with it, let it happen. It is only natural that you want to laugh and cry at the same time. It is your soul purging. it is cataclysmic. it is probably the best thing that could be happening to you at any moment. it is bliss.


Jamison said...

fuck yes! that was my first reaction. I really enjoyed reading that passage. I feel like you're also on your way towards a seriously kick-ass writing style. you're already there, obviously, but we're always on our way aren't we. youve inspired me. there weill be a blog presented from me fully inspired by yours. thanks.

Im a sagittarius by the way - and yes I am a fucking imbalanced bitch that you can't help but love.

jcox3000 said...

Of course I know you're a Sagittarius! But mostly just the good parts of that passage apply to you. Except when you forget to close doors behind you!